Asking for things: who you're talking to (B1 Vocabulary)

You ask for the same thing in different ways, depending on who you're talking to. There's no single 'correct' one — there's the one that fits the person. With a close friend, a direct ask is fine (Can you ...?). With someone you don't know, or for a big favour, choose a softer form (Could you ...? / Would you mind ...?).

Same favour, different people

• Can you — Can you pass me that box, Hiroshi?
• Could you — Excuse me, could you hold the door for a second?
• Would you mind — Would you mind checking these figures before I send them?
• A: Hiroshi, can you pass the salt?
• A: Excuse me, could you pass the salt?
• A: Mr. Eriksson, would you mind passing the salt?
• Not ""Open the window." to your manager (sounds like an order)" — say ""Could you open the window?" to your manager (warm and easy)". It's about who you're talking to, not about sounding as careful as possible.
• Amina wants to borrow a pen. The name she uses is part of the asking. Listen for who each line is aimed at.
• Hiroshi, can you pass me a pen? — relaxed: she's talking to a friend she's close to
• Excuse me, could you pass me a pen? — warm and easy: she's talking to someone she doesn't know
• Mr. Eriksson, would you mind passing me a pen? — softer, with more distance: she's talking to her manager
• Try it: Amina: ______ Hiroshi: Sure, here you go! Hiroshi is Amina's flatmate. What does she say? (Hiroshi, can I borrow your pen? / Would you mind if I borrowed your pen? / Give me your pen.) Answer: Hiroshi, can I borrow your pen? — His easy "Sure, here you go!" tells you this is a flatmate, so "Can I borrow your pen?" fits. "Would you mind if I borrowed..." isn't wrong, but it's the kind of careful line you'd save for someone you don't know; it's just a touch formal for a flatmate. "Give me your pen" is an order, too blunt for a friend. The reply is your clue to who you're talking to.
• Try it: Amina: ______ Stranger: Oh, of course, sorry! Let me move it. Amina needs the person next to her on the train to move their bag. What does she say? (Excuse me, could you move your bag? / Move your bag. / Hiroshi, shift your bag!) Answer: Excuse me, could you move your bag? — She's never met this person, and their "Oh, of course, sorry!" is how a stranger replies to a friendly ask, so "Could you move your bag?" fits. "Move your bag" is an order and too direct for someone you don't know. "Hiroshi, shift your bag" uses a name and a blunt tone you'd only use with a friend. With a stranger, the warm, clear form is the one that fits.
• Try it: Mei: ______ Ms. Marchetti: Let me check the rota, but I think we can sort something out. Mei needs her manager to let her swap a whole shift, a big ask. What does she say? (Ms. Marchetti, would you mind if I swapped my shift on Friday? / Ms. Marchetti, can I swap my shift on Friday? / Swap my Friday shift for me.) Answer: Ms. Marchetti, would you mind if I swapped my shift on Friday? — It's a big favour and she's asking her manager, who answers just as carefully ("Let me check the rota..."), so "Would you mind if I swapped..." fits: it gives her boss room to say no. "Can I swap..." is a bit casual for a big ask at work. "Swap my Friday shift for me" is an order, too direct for a manager. The bigger the favour and the more distance, the more room a softer form gives.

Would you mind: two shapes

Would you mind comes in two shapes, and who does the action tells you which one to use. When you want the other person to do it, use Would you mind + the -ing form: Would you mind closing the window? — they close it. When you want to do it yourself and you're just asking their OK, use Would you mind if I + the past form: Would you mind if I opened the window? — you open it. Watch the two forms: -ing after mind (closing, not to close), and the past form after if I (opened, not open).

• Would you mind turning the music down? (you want them to turn it down)
• Would you mind if I turned the music down? (you'll turn it down yourself)
• Would you mind waiting outside a moment? (they wait)
• Would you mind if I waited inside? (you wait)
• Not ""Would you mind if I closed the door?" — said when you actually want someone else to close it" — say ""Would you mind closing the door?" — the -ing form asks them to do it". if I + past form = you do it; -ing = they do it. Let who does the action pick the shape.
• Try it: The window is open and the room is freezing. You want your colleague, who is right next to it, to shut it. You want them to do it. Which one asks that? (Would you mind closing the window? / Would you mind if I closed the window?) Answer: Would you mind closing the window? — You want your colleague to close it, so use the -ing form: "Would you mind closing the window?" — that asks them to do it. "Would you mind if I closed the window?" asks for permission to close it yourself, which isn't what you mean here. Let who does the action pick the shape.
• Try it: You're in a meeting and your phone buzzes with an urgent call. You want to step out for a minute — your own action — but you'd like your manager's OK first. You want to do it yourself. Which one asks permission? (Would you mind if I stepped out for a minute? / Would you mind stepping out for a minute?) Answer: Would you mind if I stepped out for a minute? — You want to step out yourself, so ask permission with if I + the past form: "Would you mind if I stepped out?" The plain -ing form ("Would you mind stepping out?") would ask your manager to leave the room — not what you mean. Who does the action decides the shape.